I was going to post about something else today, but last night I heard about a friend of mine whose marriage has hit a huge speed bump. They have 2 very young kids and one of the things that’s on her mind is how she’d manage financially on her own.
I remember that feeling so well.
The scariest thing I ever did was to end my marriage with 4 boys under 5. When I was making the decision, I remember sitting on my back step, watching my little boys happily playing in the backyard. I remember hugging myself and whispering, “I can’t do it. It’s too hard. What if I muck them up?”
And then the thought occurred to me. It wasn’t the clincher – A. provided that for me a week or so later when he leaned against the door jamb and said, “In marriage, you always get another chance” and I realised I was pushing s**t uphill – but this back-step thought was hugely important in making me face my situation.
I was watching these beautiful, loving, innocent boys running around and I thought, “What if they grow up thinking that this unhappy marriage is normal and then THEY end up getting divorces because you were too gutless to break the cycle?”
All my worries about finances and the mortgage and ‘how-will-I-support-so-many-kids-on-my-own’ fell away when I confronted their emotional futures. It was 1997. If, in 1997, I was desperately unhappy with how I was being treated, then women in 2020 (say) would DEFINITELY not be happy. My boys would be wrecking relationships left, right and centre and they’d be miserable without knowing what they were doing to cause it. And it would all come down to me being a coward or not.
Up until then, I had told no one how I was feeling about the marriage. I hadn’t mentioned a word of the dynamic that was going on and the things that were happening. I told myself that it was because I didn’t want to worry anyone.
But really, deep down, I knew that if I breathed a word about it, then I’d be forced to act. Once people know what’s going on, it forces you to confront your choices. It was easier to be an ostrich and try and let things go. To focus on being a mother and to ignore that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see the husband walking up the driveway – is it a ‘walking on eggshells’ type of day? Or is it not? To visit friends and smile and pretend that this man that I didn’t even respect anymore was truly my heart’s choice.
It was a week after the door jamb remark that I ended our marriage. I talked to A. first, then I rang my sister. We were talking about that phone call a couple of years ago and she said, “At first I thought you were just having a whinge, but then I realised that this was something serious.”
That phone call changed everything. Then, word spread around my family and friends. Finally, the cold hard light of publicity was shining into the dark little fog of that marriage.
It’s amazing how easy it is to rationalise things when you’re within a relationship. Especially when there are small children involved – the amount of white noise and mind-numbing activity when there are toddlers enables so much prioritising of ceaseless activity instead of thoughtful reflection. Things can drift along for years without people dealing with them. I know that’s what happened with us.
But once other people start to get an idea of what’s really going on, you can’t continue to ignore. Not if you want to have a shred of credibility again. Once the words are out, there’s no way to unsay them and it forces you to move forward.
And that’s a very good thing. This is what’s happening to my friend and I’m pretty sure she’s weighing things up very seriously right now.
I understand my friend’s concern about finances. Those children aren’t going to go out and get jobs and support themselves – they’re 3 and 1. Thinking about finances in this situation is the mark of a good, responsible parent. When you have those little lives depending on you, you have to make adult decisions.
I remember thinking about having to sell the house – where would we live? Who would rent to a single mother with 4 kids? Who would rent to this family AND 2 dogs? No one, that’s who. Given this, how could I buy A. out and keep the house? I had no money. How would I support them all adequately? I knew I couldn’t go back to work – the childcare fees for the boys would eat up my entire wage. I knew I’d get the Sole Parents’ payment, as it was called back then. But would it be enough? There were so many financial unknowns I was stepping into. It was truly frightening.
Our financial situation was parlous. We had a mortgage of a little under 100K and $120 in the bank. To say that I was worried about how we’d manage is an understatement. I remember, the morning after my talk with A, I went to the bank and closed down our joint savings account. I gave $60 to A and kept $60 for us.
That’s what the boys and I started our new life with.
And you know what? We made it work.
My first priority was to save 1K as soon as possible. I called it my ‘Buffer Zone’. I wanted that financial cushion between the big bad world and my children. I saved it in 3 months. Talk about extreme frugality! Our protein sources were tinned tuna, sausages and eggs, with the boys getting all the meat. (Well, sometimes I’d sneak the end of a sausage. I’m only human.) I filled them up on bread. We went to bed early to save electricity. I looked at every dollar 3 times before I spent it.
That first success in achieving that goal was hugely important for 2 reasons.
First, it showed me that I COULD DO THIS. I could cut my coat to fit my cloth and my boys were safer.
The second reason? This was a HUGE lesson in why having an emergency account is so very important. After I saved the 1K and mentally patted myself on the back, I decided to call the bank to check on the mortgage. A. and I had agreed that, in lieu of child support, he’d continue to pay it.
(People who’ve been through a divorce know what’s going to happen next… )
“I’m sorry, Ms Jones, but this account is in arrears.”
I wanted to throttle him. How dare he play with our kids’ security just to get back at me?
“How much is owed?” I asked. I spoke through visions of the bank reclaiming the house and selling it, the kids and dogs and I being forced onto the streets, apocalypse and flame and destruction raining down…
There was some clicking on a keyboard.
“963 dollars,” she said.
I paid it within the hour. I never trusted A. again with finances – which stood me in good stead in the future – and I learned the solid gold value of having some savings to fall back on. It’s a lesson that’s burned deep into my psyche. I gritted my teeth and built that ‘Buffer Zone’ back up again.
My advice to my friend, if she ever asks for it, would be to make decisions based on what’s best for the family’s future. Don’t let short-term fears derail reflection on what’s best for the long-term health and happiness of everyone concerned, particularly the kids. It’s funny how we parents won’t do things for ourselves, but once we view it through the lens of what’s best for our children, we’ll make the hard decisions.
I’d advise her to scrape together at least 1K as soon as possible. Keep it in an online bank that is a different one to the one she uses for her everyday banking, so she isn’t looking at that tempting pile of money slowly growing.
I’ve always been extremely debt-averse, so I didn’t have any debt owing on my credit card etc. If there’s debt in my friend’s situation, I’d be advising a scorched-earth policy – sell stuff, stop subscriptions, get rid of as much debt as possible asap. Be careful of joint accounts and joint loans – if he walks away from them, guess who is liable for the whole amount?
A week after I had The Talk with A, the bank rang. He’d applied for a 40K business loan and had put my name on it as well. The bank (thank God!) was calling to confirm that I was ok with that. When I said that no I was definitely NOT ok with that because we had recently separated, they denied him the loan. I knew he’d be angry. (For the record, he was.) But imagine if my name was on that? He’d walked away from the mortgage – he would’ve walked away from this too and I would’ve been on the hook for it. I never would have been able to carry that loan and be able to keep the house.
I would tell her not to be scared, even though this is the scariest decision she’ll make. She has a degree and a career path open to her in the future. I’d tell her that this is exactly what I had and it saved our financial bacon.
I’d tell her that being frugal is probably the biggest weapon she has at her disposal. Whether she stays or goes, her situation will always be better if she spends less than she makes.
I’d tell her to never let finances and the fears of “what if” lock her into an unhappy situation. She’s a smart woman. She knows the value of a dollar. She loves her kids and (probably) her husband. She’s more than capable of taking the time to look at the relationship clearly and with her priorities in place and to work out where to go from here.
Is this crunch time for this marriage? I have no idea. I know that it took me a long time to weigh up everything, battle my fears and then make my decision. You know, I think that because I took so long to clearly weigh up everything, this was a huge part of why, when I chose to take action and leave, I’ve never felt even a pang of regret. In my case, leaving was the correct thing to do.
I know that this is a very difficult time for my friend. The cold hard light of day is now shining in on her marriage. She’s not alone. Around 50% of marriages end in divorce.
My heart goes out to her. When I think of her, I go back to that scared young woman back in 1997, sitting on the back doorstep and hugging herself while watching her children play. Embarking on a new life as the sole provider for your children is taking a huge leap of faith. Whether she chooses to take that path is not my call to make.
But I know that whatever she decides to do, she has enough grit, brains and backbone to make it a success. Her children are very lucky to have her.
Wow, another powerful post. It made me appreciate, all over again, the tough choice my own mom faced years ago. A brilliant woman who had chosen to stay at home mom, she jumped out to start over with three kids in tow. I admire what she, and you, did.
I can say unequivocally that her choice was definitely better than the “stay together for the kids” junk you hear. I’m a better person for it, and forever grateful to her. Watching my dad make a financial wreck of both his life, and ours, for a decade after (don’t skip out on taxes!) instilled a sense of financial responsibility in me.
Best wishes to your friend and her kids.
Powerful post?? That’s a powerful comment!
Thanks so much. I know my kids are the better for me leaving and I’m glad you and your family were too.
Divorce usually has a massive emotional and financial impact on everyone involved. I hope things work out for the best for your friend (whichever way that is), having you to talk to about it would be a huge help and possibly inspiration for her.
I spent the day with her today. She has the full support of her family, so whichever way this pans out, she’ll be ok.
After an incident involving a butcher knife and lots of screaming, my mom put me & my sister on an airplane that same night to my grandmother’s house. Young as we were, we barely understood what was happening. I didn’t see my mother for 6 months after that. Eventually she picked us up and took us to a new apartment in a different city. It wasn’t until years later that I fully understood what happened: she put us kids out of harm’s way and then ran. And then she put her life back together. And once that was accomplished, she felt safe to pick us up. I admire her for that. I’d like to think I could do it if I needed to.
She sounds like a strong and practical woman. Someone waving a knife around would certainly give a lot of clarity to the situation. Good on her for taking action instead of freezing in fear.
She must have worked so hard during those 6 months to put things in place to be able to come and get her girls. You two would have been in her mind every step of the way.
Indeed. PS she taught us to always have a valid credit card for emergencies ?
The modern-day equivalent to the old jam jar filled with money hidden under the sink that women in my Grandmother’s day used to have.
Your posts about your decision to get a divorce always hit home with me as a 12 year old child watching my mom do this.
Have you ever talked with her about it? My oldest son remembers bits and pieces from this time, my second one remembers snippets, including one really big argument (which I also remember) when A threatened to go for full custody when he found out I’d get more than 50% for the house because I had the kids. The other 2 remember nothing. Being 12, I guess the whole thing was laid out before you in pretty much all its unvarnished glory. Divorce is never easy. ________________________________
My mother was not the hero in this scenario, she then threw in with a terrible man and subjected us to him for years, mostly cause she was afraid of being poor.
Oh crap. From your comment, I wasn’t sure which way it went down.
Sometimes, we learn what NOT to do from our parents…
I know that money brings out the worst in people, I see in work a lot, but there’s a difference between knowing it in an abstract way and understanding it from reading your post. I’m so glad that you have been able to do well and your boys have benefited from your difficult decision.
The people I’ve shared it with think it’s absolutely shocking that I have separate account just in case SHTF with hubby – while I think it’s good sense in any situation.
What’s the old saying? “It’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.” I think it applies very well to that savings account of yours. ________________________________
All I can say is Wow — This story is so powerful. My heart was aching for you, and at the same time, I was so proud of your ability to take control and move forward. You’re right, it’s hard to know if it’s the right decision, or if it’s something that can be resolved. But once you put it out there publicly, it’s pretty much the point of no return. So happy you followed through, made the touch choices, and pursued a better life for you and your boys.
Thanks, Robin for those lovely words.
It all happened so long ago for me, yet some moments remain fresh in your mind, no matter how many years go by.
Thanks so much for sharing and for the bravery of putting the children in the best position you could.
Thanks so much. That’s a lovely thing to say.
I hope that everything has worked out with your friend. Your story is so inspiring and I’m sure your friend appreciates your advice. It’s tough to imagine starting over with 4 young children and little money but you clearly rose to the challenge and went above and beyond to make it work. Thanks for sharing your story!
Yes, I look back at how I was then and it’s like looking at another person. It’s amazing how time lends perspective.
I will say one thing, you did the right thing for your children. My fathers “behavior” manifested itself when I was fairly young. My mom stayed with him until I left for college. To this day (I’m 38 now) my reoccurring nightmare is my mom goes back with my dad. The kids might not get it now, but over the long run it’s better for them too.
Oh, the kids definitely get it.
I’ve had times when they’ve actually thanked me for leaving when I did, which was something I never thought would happen. They grew to be old enough to step back and make their own minds up about their parents, which is something I guess we all do.
I’m sorry that your Mum stayed so long, but on one level I do understand. It was a very scary decision to make because there were so many unknowns.