Financially Independent, Retired Early(ish) at 57.

Learning about aged care.

Well, the shit has pretty much hit the fan, as far as independent living for my mother is concerned. This is Mum on Sunday night, putting on a brave face.

While going to bed, she went to sit down on the foot of her bed and only half made it. She fell onto the floor and dragged her left hand across the wooden floorboards. Her skin is paper thin, so she tore a very large gash along the back of her hand.

Fortunately, Georgia and I were talking in Georgia’s room, so we were right next door when we heard the thump and the cry as she hit the ground. We raced in, helped her to sit up, but when I staunched the blood and saw the wound, I said, “Mum, this is going to need stitches.”

We spent all night at Frankston Emergency, getting home at 5 AM. We all had a long nap that afternoon, including the dog!

I’ll spare you all the photo I took of the cut on her hand.

Anyway, living with Mum for two and a half weeks has brought home just how unsteady she is on her feet. She said it herself when Evan28 rang and said to her, “Oh Gran, what have you done?”

She said, “I’m always on the brink of falling and sometimes I don’t get away with it.”

After talking with my sister Kate, I rang Mum’s case manager for her care package and asked her what the next step would be.

Long story short, I talked with a woman who finds places for people in aged care places. I knew Mum would want a shared room for when Dad comes out of the rehab hospital, and we were lucky enough for a place literally 5 minutes drive from me to have a suitable room. Shared rooms are as rare as hens’ teeth.

So Kate and I had to have ‘the talk’ with Mum about going into respite care. We were very careful not to allude to permanent care, but really, that’s what she needs. We’re crossing our fingers that the penny will drop for them once they’re there, and it will become their own idea to stay there. This apparently happes quite a lot, but I’m not holding out much hope for Dad. He’s extremely attached to his possessions.

Mum and I went to look at the place yesterday and to my relief, Mum was very impressed. She is very happy to entertain the idea of moving in for a while, but she’s worried about Dad’s reaction. She’s also scared of rushing into a decision and possibly making a mistake.

My feeling is that we were incredibly lucky to find a shared room so close to me. It’s been a week and no other shared rooms in the area have turned up, so we need to grab it. We have until tomorrow to accept or decline.

When Dad and Mum were ill a year or two ago, I started educating myself on how the Aged Care system works. I had a real ‘heads up’ from a friend who has the affectionate nickname of ‘the mayor’ who has been through this learning curve when his mother went into care a few years ago. At least I understand talk of RADs and such. I hate to think of how bamboozled I’d feel if I was coming in cold.

The facility manager recommended we hire an accountant who specialises in the ins and outs of going into care, which I thought was good advice. My parents don’t have a straightforward estate. I rang their accountant and he’s getting someone for us to talk to.

Despite Mum reading all the material and being there when the manager was showing us around, she still worries about things that aren’t issues at all, and gets things wrong. I find that I’m gently correcting her, in the hopes that the correct information goes in and she’s not needlessly fretting about the incorrect stuff.

The idea is that she’ll move in next week under respite care and Dad will join her. They’ll stay while I’m in Vietnam and hopefully by then they’ll be able to make sensible decisions about their futures. (I know… I’m an optimist.)

A lot depends on how well Dad recovers from this broken hip. It’s not a pleasant stage for them to be going through.

Dad joke of the day:

22 Comments

  1. Maureen

    It is a difficult time you are going through and so sad when our parents get to the point of needing full time care. I hope they see their way to a situation that is good for them and the family too. What a stressful time.

    • FrogdancerJones

      Mum said that she sees it as ‘the end.”
      I told her that it wasn’t – it was just the start of a new stage.

  2. Josie

    It’s so tough as our parents age. It sounds like you found a great solution, even if it is only for the interim. We were lucky to be able to keep my 95yo mother home until she passed as all the girls were home due to pandemic. I would not have been able to take care of her without their help.

  3. Jan

    Oh Frogdancer it is a challenging time (having been there with my Dad) and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to provide the options and support your parents need at this stage of their lives. Good luck! Cheers Jan

  4. KY Math

    You are going through a very tough stage of life. I have been there with my mother and I am not finished yet. My mother was falling regularly then I found her sprawled out one morning. She went to a memory care unit for almost three years until she started falling again and now she does not walk. She moved to a nursing home three months ago. I feel very fortunate that she has had assets to pay for it and she is not in pain or too pissed at me. Of course, she does not know I am her daughter so I guess that probably helps. Hang in there and be sure to schedule time for yourself. I have taken up pickleball and it takes my mind off things. Good luck Frogdancer!

    • FrogdancerJones

      Thanks. Mum still has her marbles and I’m enjoying the quiet chats we’re having.

  5. Lucinda

    Your poor mum!

    It can be a bloody awful time when our parents need more care. Does your mum use a walker? They are the best for maintaining mobility and avoiding falls. As one elderly friend said to me, “Old age is not for sissies.”

    The lesson we all have to learn is to not leave it too late to make the move to assisted care so our offspring don’t have to “help” us make the decision. Hopefully they will only have to help us navigate the complexities of the ever increasingly complex care system.

    All the best.

    • FrogdancerJones

      Yes, Mum has 2 walkers and she relies on them all day. She gets vry anxious if one is not within reach.

  6. Bethh

    Oh goodness I’m so sorry, what a hard time. Perhaps if you can help your dad see that this is what your mum really needs, he might come around.

    My parents were in a situation where they were ok so long as nothing happened to put my dad out of commission, and things with my mom were increasingly unpredictable and none of the kids are anywhere nearby. They made the decision to move into a home and they don’t love it but it’s been a very wise choice.

    I hope both your parents – heal but get to appreciate the care facility!

  7. Ellen D

    So sorry to hear FD but really this sounds like it is absolutely the right time and the right decision. Having been through this emotional and financial drama with 2 sets of parents I can really appreciate the struggle but this is definitely the time. Things only get trickier, and having them well looked after AND close will be the best decision. Hope it works out for you as to-and-froing can postpone the inevitable and cause stress for everyone. Good luck!

    • FrogdancerJones

      Thanks. I’m a bit apprehensive that Dad will try to put a spanner in the works once he’s out of rehab.

  8. Kim in KY

    I’m coming up on my 67th birthday and have been single for the past 10 years, so I’ve tried to be open with my two grown daughters about what comes next. In our family we jokingly call it the What Are We Going To Do About Mama talk, and this past fall we sat down and spoke very, very frankly about the future. I’m 100% capable of living on my own and managing my own affairs but it seems that when things change, they change suddenly and big decisions have to be made in a hurry. It is our hope that by talking about all the what-ifs now it will be easier to know how to proceed if/when it becomes necessary. We have now have plans in place and are as prepared as we can be in these uncertain times* and I’m so very glad we have a good relationship and can talk about these things now. I hope your parents do well and both continue to recover as much as possible. I know you worry–family always does! You are a good daughter and your parents are lucky to have you!

    *I’m an American and my daughters and I are angry/horrified/ashamed/worried at the direction our “leaders” (using that word VERY loosely!) are driving us.

    • FrogdancerJones

      With regards to your last paragraph, I’m VERY glad my ancestors chose Australia and not the US!!!
      I’m very conscious that I don’t have a partner to prop me up if/when I start to get frail, so I’m consciously enjoying my house and possessions now, knowing they ‘ll not be with me forever…

      • Kim in KY

        Yes, when a person is single it definitely makes a difference in making those old-age plans. I am an independent minded woman and frankly I think it is easier to think only of what *I* want. I love, love, love my little house and my life and my room full of quilting fabric, but I acknowledge that one day I may have to make other arrangements and leave some or all of it behind, so I’m being particularly thankful for what I have right now!

  9. Rae

    Oh, goodness, I step away from the blog for a mere 3 months or so, and your life becomes filled with this kind of excitement! I’m so glad your mom’s injury wasn’t worse and that your dad is healing up. Your relationship with them sounds so lovely, even if your dad is apparently an inveterate remote-hoarder!

    As an American, any mention of medical expenses sends me into panic mode … but then I remembered you were in a sane country and was able to let out that breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

    I’ve been enjoying catching up on your adventures- I hope that 2025 is full of more of them!

    • FrogdancerJones

      Well, I have 10 trips booked for 2025, so there’ll be lots of adventures!

  10. Ginger Megs

    I hope your parents are both on the mend – being carer/advocate/facilitator for aging parents is not an easy task.
    I don’t know if you are aware but the aged care system is changing very soon with drastic changes regarding eligibility and availability of places. My partner has worked in aged care management for many years, and he is quite concerned about the direction the government is taking (and the opposition is no better with what they propose).
    If your parents have been offered a place, grab it with both hands. Good luck!

  11. Aussie HIFIRE

    Very sorry to hear that about your parents Frogdancer. Going into Aged Care is almost certainly the best move for them, despite what your dad may think. Hopefully being laid up in hospital and having some recovery work to do when he gets out will help him come to realise that they can’t live at home any more, even with the considerable assistance the family and you in particular are putting in to help them out.

    Separately if your parents don’t have a straightforward estate, or even if they did, getting that stuff in place/reviewed is absolutely critical. They will need to see a proper estate planning attorney, get their wills and powers of attorney sorted, same with the beneficiary on their superannuation etc. The power of attorney may be the most useful in the short term so you or another family memeber can do things for them, and in the longer term a properly prepared will is crucial.

    Last but not least (and actually probably first at the moment), absolutely see a specialist who is Aged Care accreddited to sort out their Aged CAre. It’s a very complex area, many nursing homes don’t seem to explain it correctly (and funnily enough always in a way that gets them more money!), and it can have a huge financial impact on them and you. If there is a complex estate planning situation you may need to factor the Aged Care planning into this as well, one of the issues here is that the RAD goes back to the estate to be dealt with by the will.

    Good luck with it all!

    • FrogdancerJones

      I think we’ve already done most of that, thank goodness. My sister an I both have POA, and I have medical POA (I think my parents know that I’ll be the most clear-headed if it comes to sticky medical situations.)
      The director of the nursing home was the one who suggested a specialist aged care person, as their estate is stupidly clogged with too many things. Their accountant seems to be good, and he agrees with me that things absolutely have to be simplified going forward. 20 bank accounts is ridiculos…

      • Aussie HIFIRE

        Great to hear that you’ve got most of it sorted already! I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for you and your parents!

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