Well, the shit has pretty much hit the fan, as far as independent living for my mother is concerned. This is Mum on Sunday night, putting on a brave face.
While going to bed, she went to sit down on the foot of her bed and only half made it. She fell onto the floor and dragged her left hand across the wooden floorboards. Her skin is paper thin, so she tore a very large gash along the back of her hand.
Fortunately, Georgia and I were talking in Georgia’s room, so we were right next door when we heard the thump and the cry as she hit the ground. We raced in, helped her to sit up, but when I staunched the blood and saw the wound, I said, “Mum, this is going to need stitches.”
We spent all night at Frankston Emergency, getting home at 5 AM. We all had a long nap that afternoon, including the dog!
I’ll spare you all the photo I took of the cut on her hand.
Anyway, living with Mum for two and a half weeks has brought home just how unsteady she is on her feet. She said it herself when Evan28 rang and said to her, “Oh Gran, what have you done?”
She said, “I’m always on the brink of falling and sometimes I don’t get away with it.”
After talking with my sister Kate, I rang Mum’s case manager for her care package and asked her what the next step would be.
Long story short, I talked with a woman who finds places for people in aged care places. I knew Mum would want a shared room for when Dad comes out of the rehab hospital, and we were lucky enough for a place literally 5 minutes drive from me to have a suitable room. Shared rooms are as rare as hens’ teeth.
So Kate and I had to have ‘the talk’ with Mum about going into respite care. We were very careful not to allude to permanent care, but really, that’s what she needs. We’re crossing our fingers that the penny will drop for them once they’re there, and it will become their own idea to stay there. This apparently happes quite a lot, but I’m not holding out much hope for Dad. He’s extremely attached to his possessions.
Mum and I went to look at the place yesterday and to my relief, Mum was very impressed. She is very happy to entertain the idea of moving in for a while, but she’s worried about Dad’s reaction. She’s also scared of rushing into a decision and possibly making a mistake.
My feeling is that we were incredibly lucky to find a shared room so close to me. It’s been a week and no other shared rooms in the area have turned up, so we need to grab it. We have until tomorrow to accept or decline.
When Dad and Mum were ill a year or two ago, I started educating myself on how the Aged Care system works. I had a real ‘heads up’ from a friend who has the affectionate nickname of ‘the mayor’ who has been through this learning curve when his mother went into care a few years ago. At least I understand talk of RADs and such. I hate to think of how bamboozled I’d feel if I was coming in cold.
The facility manager recommended we hire an accountant who specialises in the ins and outs of going into care, which I thought was good advice. My parents don’t have a straightforward estate. I rang their accountant and he’s getting someone for us to talk to.
Despite Mum reading all the material and being there when the manager was showing us around, she still worries about things that aren’t issues at all, and gets things wrong. I find that I’m gently correcting her, in the hopes that the correct information goes in and she’s not needlessly fretting about the incorrect stuff.
The idea is that she’ll move in next week under respite care and Dad will join her. They’ll stay while I’m in Vietnam and hopefully by then they’ll be able to make sensible decisions about their futures. (I know… I’m an optimist.)
A lot depends on how well Dad recovers from this broken hip. It’s not a pleasant stage for them to be going through.
Dad joke of the day:
It is a difficult time you are going through and so sad when our parents get to the point of needing full time care. I hope they see their way to a situation that is good for them and the family too. What a stressful time.
Mum said that she sees it as ‘the end.”
I told her that it wasn’t – it was just the start of a new stage.
It’s so tough as our parents age. It sounds like you found a great solution, even if it is only for the interim. We were lucky to be able to keep my 95yo mother home until she passed as all the girls were home due to pandemic. I would not have been able to take care of her without their help.
Oh Frogdancer it is a challenging time (having been there with my Dad) and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to provide the options and support your parents need at this stage of their lives. Good luck! Cheers Jan
You are going through a very tough stage of life. I have been there with my mother and I am not finished yet. My mother was falling regularly then I found her sprawled out one morning. She went to a memory care unit for almost three years until she started falling again and now she does not walk. She moved to a nursing home three months ago. I feel very fortunate that she has had assets to pay for it and she is not in pain or too pissed at me. Of course, she does not know I am her daughter so I guess that probably helps. Hang in there and be sure to schedule time for yourself. I have taken up pickleball and it takes my mind off things. Good luck Frogdancer!
Your poor mum!
It can be a bloody awful time when our parents need more care. Does your mum use a walker? They are the best for maintaining mobility and avoiding falls. As one elderly friend said to me, “Old age is not for sissies.”
The lesson we all have to learn is to not leave it too late to make the move to assisted care so our offspring don’t have to “help” us make the decision. Hopefully they will only have to help us navigate the complexities of the ever increasingly complex care system.
All the best.